Song for a Friend

Well today was, in a word... different.

I feel a lot older right now. Which is intersting, because I'm not old at all- I'm young, nothing more than a silly little teenager, ignorant and naive, waiting for life to begin.

It's funny. Things are constantly changing. Tastes and prefeances, favourites, situations, feelings, friendships. Sometimes you notice, but I don't think we usually notice chage- the gradual ones, like going from excited to bored, like changing from being a rap fan to loving alternative rock- the type of changes that mean very little in the grand sceme of things.

But every once in a while, rapid change occurs. Something that deeply affects those around us, and consequently us. Like when best friends break up. It's sad. But change happens. The problem is being on both sides of an argument. Seeing the point that both people are making. It's hard when they're your best friends, and you love them both, and don't want to see either of them in pain, but you know no matter the outcome, someone will be hurting or unsatisfied. What can you do in these situations? I suppose usually this is the type of thing I'd like to make better- fix it Stef, fix it, that's what I'm for, the purpose I give myself. Live my life vicariously through others. Fix their problems, see everybody happy.

It's a noble idea, yes. But it's impossible. We just don't live in a world where everyone can be happy. And in all this time of preferring to make others happy, what have I ever done for myself? Not that selfishness is good, but we all havethe right to pursue happiness, right? Well, maybe we don't, I haven't gotten around to actually doing that Declaration homework... but yeah, what I'm saying is that we have to let go. Of others and of ourselves. Lose the drama, right? Granted, as nice of a thought that is, it's not very likely in many cases- like in an all girls catholic school. But we ought ot try.

Which is why I feel older. I'm finally putting into action what I already know- to let things go. That we can't fix everything, because everything's not meant to be changed. That doesn't mean I don't care, which I know is a difficult concept for some people to understand. I do care, I care for my friends, and that's why I don't want anything to do with it. I'm here for them if they need to talk, I'm here to comfort them, but it happened, and the actual situation per se is none of my business. Let it go, things will evolve as they will.

The whole feeling of growing up was supplimented by the reminder that we never let go of the past, and in a way we can never change who we are at the deepest level. I read a conversation from MArchish of freshman year. I was young and immature (like I often am still) but the humour was the same, the wording and conversations- I guess I'll always be me. I'm not a very changing person, am I? A static character, I reckon.

So anyway, in light of this growing up, I guess I really am going to make an effort not to care about the drama and just go out and have a good time. Instead of acting based on the idea that I don't want to cause drama, I'm going to do whatever the hell I want and if people don't like it, whatever, I'm not going to be involved with the drama. I mean, I am not the type of person to become reckless or anything, and I'm not going to do anything stupid to actually hurt someone else, but neither will I just sit by and let life go it's course. Im going to jump in that river and take a swim.