Will Some Get Faith Before They Die?

It's way too late
to be this locked inside ourselves
the trouble is
that you're in love with someone else
it should be me
it should be me
sacred parts
you get a ways
you come along
on summer days
tenderly
tastefully
it's so me
you make time
to try and find somebody else
this place is mine
set a day
you know exactly how I feel
I had my doubts little girl
I'm in love with something real
It could be me that's changing
it's so me
you make time
to try and find somebody else
who has a line
now season with health
two lovers walk a lakeside mile
try pleasing with stealth
Brody oh she stands long ending fell
oh how I love you
in the evenings when we are sleeping
we are sleeping
oh we are sleeping
It's so me
we make time
we try and find somebody else
who has a line
Now season with hell
two lovers walk a lakeside mile
try pleasing with stealth
Brody oh she stands long oh ending fell



Okay, I have to admit. I don't entirely understand that song. It's Interpol for those curious. But it has just been running around and around in my head for days and days on end. Maybe because I'm too lazy to change the CD in my car and this is the only song I can understand all the lyrics in.

I'm going to take the time to point out that my hair smells delicious. Well, okay, not delicious- I doubt anyone would have an overwhelming desire to consume it. It smells like hibiscus. I'm lying. I have no idea what hibiscus smells like. I just felt like saying that. But it does smell like flowers. Since I have no life, I feel the overwhelming need to look at the ingredients of my shampoo. Interesting. Kelp. How delicious. There's a lot of other stuff in here. Wheat germ. Pollen. Citric Acid. Wow. Now I totally understand why my hair smells good.

I'm still lying.

Can you tell I'm super bored? Because I am. I re-skim the song in here. Funny.

I wonder if the songs that get stuck in your head are like your subconsciousness's subliminal way of telling you how you feel. Well okay. It's not that subconcious or subliminal. You know what? I have no idea what I"m talking about. This is the unavoidable result of being in psych with mr. phillips. He's kind of a pothead. As Menaka pointed out once, what kind of guy gets a law degree and winds up teaching government and psych to a bunch of girls? That's what happens when you're a stoner. Which is why people just shouldn't be stoners. Or smoke fags- I mean come on. Kirsten was smoking today. Ryan stole the cigarrettes that she had and was hiding them from her, but as she grew suspicious hid them in my schmockety schmock. Not comfortable. I swear people would like notice them. I wanted to scream, "AH! I don't smoke!" but I thought that might have looked a little odd. So hence, I refrained.

Lack of steady train of thought? Yes.

Tomorrow (or more aptly, later today) I shall be going to Cedar Point. I am pretty excited. I got my pass and stuff all ready to go. Only problem is I have to be ready to go by Nine O'Clock OR ELSE serious ramifications will be induced upon me. Elizabeth has emphatically reminded me of this several times.

Lunch was super fun to the maximum today. I pretty much want to rape Friday lunch. Okay, not literally. But it's still super fun! Katie, Kate, Kristen and I (stupid me with my non-K name) (well, my last name works) really know how to party it up. And we know our STDs, let me tell you.

Is it blatantly obvious that I'm distracting my mind from thoughts it has no right to think?

Ugh. I'm getting a migrane.

I really do need to sleep. Ta my loves.

But hey who's on trial?

Basically this.

I think that if there are any parts of my life going according to plan and correctly in accordance with the happiness of life meter. Well. I think I'm destroying that. Whatever it is. I think I am indeliberately, purposefully trying to destroy any glimmers of hope in my life.

What the hell am I doing to myself?

Nobody Wants to be Lonely

Stupid girly conversations that you are probably not interested in but that I am preserving for posterity purposes:

FireAngel22: ur so cold sometimes. but i think deep deep inside u wanna be loved and hugged
FireAngel22: and mine will be the shoulder u weep on, my love
stuff of secrets: you are so weird
stuff of secrets: not entirely wrong

FireAngel22: and u? hows life?
stuff of secrets: I'm the desperate kind

stuff of secrets: so basically I need aboy
FireAngel22: ya. me 2
FireAngel22: i hate men
stuff of secrets: I don't
stuff of secrets: I just can't find one that I love
FireAngel22: ya. how important is the love thing to uj
stuff of secrets: ummm
stuff of secrets: well
stuff of secrets: love itself I dunno
stuff of secrets: but I figure you should actually like whoever you're fucking around with
FireAngel22: ya. i m sure taht u can develop love
FireAngel22: or infatuation with the person ur fucking
stuff of secrets: yeah I'm not even worried about love
stuff of secrets: it's freaking high school
FireAngel22: ya
stuff of secrets: but I'm not the type to fuck around with a) someone who doesn't like me or b) someone I don't like
FireAngel22: i hate highschoolstuff of secrets: I don't, not really
FireAngel22: yes. u are too ratoinal for u own good
stuff of secrets: tell me about its
tuff of secrets: b ut I also can't ignore the fact that no one likes me
stuff of secrets: not like that anyway
FireAngel22: i don't think hta is the problem
FireAngel22: i think u can be intimidating
stuff of secrets: how am I intimidating?
FireAngel22: u just openly told a guy taht his love poem sucks
FireAngel22: i think i boy would be afraid to tell u that he likes u cuz u would point and laugh
stuff of secrets: but I don't like that guy
FireAngel22: but any guy would be afraid to confront someone that is so blunt
stuff of secrets: why? if I liked I guy I'd tell him that.... so long as he asmitted to liking me firstFireAngel22: some guys are too nervious to do that
FireAngel22: u ahve to be able to READ them
stuff of secrets: ugh, I don't like READing people. I wish THEY could read ME
FireAngel22: hahhahaa
FireAngel22: good luck with that


yeah ouch. Someone tell m. Am I really that intimidating? Do I scare the crap out of people. Tell me. I swear, if it's completely true, I'll work on it.

spiritflower06: ok random thought:
spiritflower06: I NEED A MAN
stuff of secrets: OMG
stuff of secrets: DON'T EVEN GO THERE
spiritflower06: WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND ONE
spiritflower06: why
stuff of secrets: I am so desperate I might do something stupid
stuff of secrets: ack
spiritflower06: i am 17 fucking years old and i've barely held hands with a guy
spiritflower06: no no no you're smarter than that
stuff of secrets: :-spiritflower06: but i know how u fee
lstuff of secrets: I dunno
stuff of secrets: desperation makes you do stupid things
spiritflower06: if u WERE going to do something stupid, what would it be]
spiritflower06: (you aren't.)
stuff of secrets: I dunno
stuff of secrets: yeah but I don't really like him you know?
spiritflower06: hahha yeah s
piritflower06: well its nit like he's at easy access and might rape u at any moment
stuff of secrets: right right
stuff of secrets: but that doesn't mean he's the only option
spiritflower06: oooo who else
stuff of secrets: eh, apples to apples
spiritflower06: lol
spiritflower06: to refer to a well-beloved tale
stuff of secrets: yes
stuff of secrets: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast
spiritflower06: i wish i had someone to make out with
stuff of secrets: you eat shit for breakfast?
spiritflower06: HAHAHAH
stuff of secrets: .....no.
stuff of secrets: making out is nice.
spiritflower06: thats probaly the best part in the mive
stuff of secrets: I know!
stuff of secrets: hahahahaha
stuff of secrets: I wish it were as easy as just running to the store and picking up milk
stuff of secrets: haha
spiritflower06: u never told me
spiritflower06: hahah
stuff of secrets: then I would jsut go to liek crocker park or something
spiritflower06: hahah
stuff of secrets: and grab one, throw him in a shopping bag
spiritflower06: hahahah
stuff of secrets: It sucks being alone
spiritflower06: is this from something: I swear I never meant for this...
Don't look at me that wayIt was an honest mistake.
spiritflower06: i know me too
stuff of secrets: it's the bravery
stuff of secrets: a song by them
spiritflower06: cool
stuff of secrets: entitled honest mistake
stuff of secrets: which reminds me
spiritflower06: logical
stuff of secrets: I want that video on my myspace
spiritflower06: yay
stuff of secrets: shannon, how do we find boyfriends?
spiritflower06: good question, dammit
stuff of secrets: where do other peole find boyfriends?
spiritflower06: dammit!
spiritflower06: if i knew that....
spiritflower06: my conclusion is
spiritflower06: all the guys who aren't taken.....
spiritflower06: are GAY
spiritflower06: oh wait i know waht it is
spiritflower06: WE AREN"T FUCKING WHORES!

Why oh why isn't life just frekaing simple?

Oh, the petty trials of being a teenage girl. I hate being stupid like this....

The Last Three Years Were Just Pretend

Hello. I am feeling contemplative right now- not emo like, but reminicing like. I've been cleaning my room semi-thoroughly. I found old CDs, ones that I burned, with songs that basically suck and yet make me think of times gone by. You know we're (and by we I mean most of my friends) are going to be seniors next year? Jesus Christ, where does the time go? I can remember sitting on my old neighbour's back porch spitting watermelon seeds and throwing rocks (at people's heads generally- I have always been kind of violent) and being completely innocent and naieve (well, as much so as I ever was). And now look at me. I wouldn't call me grown up, but definately things change. Which is of course, inevitable.





Just for the record, I started writing that this afternoon. I am not in a completely different mood. But I didn't feel like destroying about five minutes of hard work, either.

I am now watching The DAy After Tomorrow, which is naturally fascinating. Jakey Jake is so pretty. Lalala.

I like using pretty boys to distract me from what is not going right in my life. Well not really mine. Please. Nothing happens in my life. I am forced to live voraciously through others.

:-\ = the "I don't know what to say" face

I don't liek when my friends are fighting really badly over something pretty stupid. I mean, yeah, feelings aren't stupid, but when people take them too intensely and everything gets fucked up because of one little thing, then it's pretty stupid.

It's those kind of times I really wish I still had a best friend. At least some one to be there, just to listen and not judge it, maybe even not tell me what to do. It seems like most times, you know what to do. Its just that matter of doing it. And no amount of outside help can make you do some tings. There are just those things you have to do from the inside. And during thsoe times you need someone with you just to hold your hand, even if they're not helping you fight. It can be very lonely, just watching and not doing. Like that poem we read in brit lit. Lady of Shalott. She just watched the world go by in her mirror. But then she got away from her mirror and saw the real world. Look what happened to her- she died.

People just don't understand each other. Looking in the mirror you can see both sides, but they can't hear you. Looking at the real world, you can't see both sides, sometimes you can't see anything, but you can talk. Which is better? The eyes, or the voice?

Funny how the fight went nicely along with the storm. I love ironic such things

It's time for me to close my eyes. And my mouth. And continue another day being alone but not so alone at the same time.