Dear neighbours,
Hello there. I notice you've recently made the move to our lovely apartment complex. I'm glad the internet reviews for our landlord describing her as a "slum lord" didn't ward you off. I saw you a few weeks ago, struggling to get your many groceries into the apartment. You two are a lovely couple, I'm sure, and no doubt this little 25-30 pound beagle-ish mutt of yours really helps to round out your American Dream. To be sure, the three of you together are just pretty as a picture.
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| Battle Scars from the dogs |
Even if just one of you is with your dog, it's quite precious. Why, just two days ago, on my way to work, I passed Mr. 3S bringing said canine in from a walk. This canine, with his floppy ears and curious manner (he let me pet him! so few dogs in this city will stand for that, which really is actually good indication of being a proper city dog) was wary but open to my advances. I love dogs, despite the fact that I was essentially mauled by a pair back in February, and I see all of them as puppies- whether a 4 month yorkie or an 11-year-old great dane. They are all puppies. I love all of them. I subscribe to r/aww and- and don't tell Reddit this- I prefer dogs to cats.
Which is probably why, when the two of you leave this little creature home alone, I become so sad. Now, I'm not opposed to the idea of you leaving your dog home alone- it's 2012, after all, the economy is awful, and we all have to do what we can to get by. Many dogs can handle being alone for hours. For example, I have a friend who has actually litter box trained her chihuahua, so she can leave him for 8-10 hours some days when she's working her three jobs or going to school. Those of us who loves dogs can find a way to make that work- sometimes. You might notice that despite my love for domesticated animals of the canine persuasion, I do not have one of my own. Though this fact causes me much chagrin, it is for the greater good that I remain sans pup. I work god awful 9 hour shifts, putting me out of the house for at least 10.5 hours a day, my schedule isn't regular, and I don't think Barnes and Noble would be okay with an "office dog," particularly since my "office" is in the café.
Let's get to the point- every moment you are gone, your dog whines. And I don't just mean a few whimpers here and there, I mean squealing, heart-wrenching, blood-curdling whines. It sounds like someone let Pavlov in here to cut up your dog's salivary glands for science, but he didn't anaesthetise the dog first. Also his operations run all the time without stopping. If you were home while the dog made this noise, I would have to assume that you were sick bastards, torturing it while you did odd deviant sex-things to each other. However, your absence is somewhat of a relief, in the sense that I do not believe you are deliberately tormenting your pet.
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| This is a friend's dog, pic stolen from facebook. |
I'm aware that keeping a dog in the city isn't easy. But you live in an apartment, and with great population density comes great responsibility. I know I can't be the only one who hears this dog, though no doubt our adjacent walls don't help. For example, right now, he/she's yipping and howling and barking all at the same time somehow. Do you keep it tied above a pool of sharks while you're gone? But there are people below you who must hear it, and I'm pretty sure it's loud enough that even those who live in the building next to ours can hear it.
Apartments suck sometimes. 2N boxed out their apartment so hard on the day of the Great Blizzard of '11 that I'm pretty sure I had a contact high, though I was too sick to really notice. Plus once I'm pretty sure they had a porno viewing party. 1N can't even smoke nice weed, they just smoke skunky shit. Whoever lives in the single behind my roommate's room (are those numbered E/W? I don't even know) listens to weird latin-punk (is that even a thing?!) all day. But somehow, the sounds of this terrified animal are the worst of all these things. I probably wouldn't mind so much if it was a human, but dogs are nice and innocent and cuddly and adorable, so I don't want to hear that shit.
I can hear that you're home now, and the whining has stopped. Did you even know he was whining at all? Do you have even an iota of awareness outside of your own existence? Or are you like infants, that think that once something is out of sight, it no longer exists? Your dog is sad, and it makes me sad, and I want you to fix it. Of course, I'm far too passive aggressive to actually send you a letter so frank as this one. In fact, I will probably continue to do nothing about this situation for several weeks, and should it continue, I will simply tape a short note to your door that says something to the effect of, "Your dog whines a lot when you're gone, just thought you should know." Possibly it will be even less offensive somehow.
But I just want you to know that I hate you for having a sad dog.
Sincerely,
3N