So. I came home for the weekend. Woop-dee-frickin' doo. You know I hate it here. And yes, I did come back with a negative attitude. But I thought going to Jack's would be okay. It wasn't though. It was awful. Everyone was drunk and it was just an awful shit show. And I didn't drink, I just kept carrying around my water glass, and I don't know, maybe it's just that I'm sick and emo and missing OSU, but I really didn't belong there. I didn't want to be drinking with them.
I know that I cannot recreate last summer, awsome as it was. However, I would like to believe that maybe my good ol' friends can have a good time without drinking. We had a blast all last year, and only once did we all drink together, and that wasn't really even all of us, just five of us. And two of those people weren't even there tonight. Honestly, is it so wrong to want to just enjoy each other's company without the influence of alcohol? I don't judge people who drink, don't get me wrong, it's not like drinking to me is a bad thing, I just also like to believe it's possible to have a good time without it.
I guess it's just a matter of not belonging. It sounds horrible, maybe, but I'd rather be lounging around the common room with Elaine and Elyse, or trying to figure out something to do with Jen, or tagging along with Devon and Clarissa. Basically, I'd rather be accomplishing nothing than being with my drunken high school friends. I don't know if they disappoint me, exactly, but it's just like.. I guess just no one is who they used to be, myself included. I guess it's normal for people to part ways, but it's kind of depressing. The last three times I've seen my friends from last summer- tonight, St. Patty's Day, and New Year's- they were drunk. That seems pathetic to me a bit. I don't think we've all been together and sober since my birthday- which was about five months ago.
Coming home doesn't feel like coming home. It feels like leaving where I belong. Maybe I'm just too good at leaving things behind. When I got to Jack's, Skoch, Ricky, Sarah, Anthony, and Colin all came running out to see me. But it was only because they're all drunk that they even cared. Dear god, Anthony and Colin were pretty much gone. And I don't know, we were sitting in the living room, and Point/Counterpoint came on (read: Ricky put it on) and I was listening to Ricky and Skoch sing it, and then Alex and Sarah, too, and I don't know something kind of hit me. Because it reminded me of going to the Reel Big Fish concert last summer, and no one was drunk then and we all still had a good time, and everything was different then. And I wouldn't necessarily go back to it, but I also wish everyone wouldn't pretend like it's so easy to recreate. Because the only way they can seems to be with alcohol, which never played a role in anything before. I don't feel like becoming an alcoholic just to keep hanging out with my old friends. Like yeah, drinking once in a while, whoo hoo. But not every time I see everyone. It's annoying. So annoying.
I just want to go back to OSU, but even when I do, I'm just going to have to leave again. When I left Jack's, I didn't know where to go. I felt so trapped, even though for once I had dear Huebert with me. I didn't want to go home but I couldn't go back there, and if I had really had a choice, I'd've either hopped on 71s or 90w and gone back to columbus or visited Caitlin in Chicago.
I don't know what to think about anyone or anything anymore. I guess I'm still a clusterfuck.