Ain't it Just a Bitch?
so now I sit here, s usual alone, depressed, and unavoidably emo, not even looking at thi\e computer screen, hoping that my summer keyboarding skills are sufficent enough to walk me through this without too much error.
I have come to terms with one important fact, tonight, at least- I do not hate myself. I do not like my self a whole lot, either, I am very unhapy with myself, but I do not genuinely hate myself.
There are things I regret now. Maybe not a lot, maybe they are htings I couldn't have done a whole lot about, but none-the-less, I should have done some htings differently. I should have gone to the door. I should have waited. I should have said yes, I ought to have told the truth. I know that it would have been my ultimate destruction, that I would have been undoubtedly shut down and destroyed, but it would be better than sitting here stuffing in everything, pretending to be happy, pretending now to have broken myself. I feel so melodramatic, but I suppose what that guy in that theo book said what right- "suffering is realative". It takes up whatever space you have, no matter how trivial things are.
I really do know these things are trivial, but they are about the only things that consume my life right now. There are things I miss about the past, but honestly for the most part, I'm glad the past is just that- the past. I wish the present had more to hold than I feel it does right now, however.
I wish I had stood up for myself. I should have stood up, tall and semi-proud, and said "no, shut up, the lot of you= I will not be treated like a ginormous tool at the expense of a few measly laughs". I do have slrf-worth, I do. Not a lot, granted, but I must have some value. Mustn't I?
I hate to be wallowing, I really do. But I feel so abandoned, so abused, and I don't feel like there's anyone to really trust.
If only I had told the truth. If only, when confronted with the one thing I was keeping most secret, I had come out with it, maybe things would be different.
But I didn't. And now it's far too late.
Now I have to find some way to start anew.