Right now I'm listening to Syd's techno mix, and it's about the only thing keeping me from shooting myself in the face. Sandstorm is on, which always brings a bit of cheer to the lowly.
Mother coerced me into shopping today. At first I was like, "sure I'll go," until I realised that Lost was on soon (that's because our family is gay and eats at like eight o'clock, so I have no concept of time) and I really would rather watch Lost than go shopping. Mother was like, "just tape it, we'll go shopping," in that you-had-better-come-with-me guilt voice. So fine. I went with her. I tried to be civil, I really did, but I don't really like shopping anyway, let alone when I'm missing my favourite show. Not to mention, there was nothing worthwhile to get. The shoe selection? Disaster. I was pissed.
I've come to the conclusion that I've sort of lost the holiday spirit. I attempted to listen to Christmas music, and I couldn't really do it. Decorations make me angry (particularly the Simons' house, which is basically Holiday Haven, and makes me want to slit my wrists on behalf of their perfect, stereotypical suburban lawn). I don't feel like getting gifts- or recieving them, for that matter. Of course, I want a digital camera and Lost: Season 1 on DVD, but that's what birthdays are for. And my birthday is coming up.
I used to love christmas music. I would listen to my Disney Christmas tape (yes, this was before the era of CDs) 24/7 during the holidays, and once in a while during summer, as well. But now I can't even listen to music without wanting to gag.
I'm not really sure what it is about the holidays that make me so... Scrooge-y. Perhaps it's the couples- there are always more couples around the holidays. This doesn't actually make me angry so much as in I want to be a part of a couple, but it is a sort of downside to be reminded constantly that you are incapeable of being paired off.
FUCK AND NOW SYD'S CD DIED ON ME.
Now I'm just angry.
Anyway, yes. Perhaps it's the couples. Perhaps it is the fact that I rather dislike shopping, especially with people. I mean, give me a few bucks, and I'll buy a few things for myself. And I really mean a few, I'm not one of those people who goes out and spends money like it's my job. (::cough:: syd::cough::) Perhaps it's the fact that no one really knows what the season is about anymore- actually, no, that's not it, I don't give a rat's ass about the birht of Jesus crap. Perhaps it's the family concept. I hate family-oriented things, and holidays are number one family-oriented hell, in my mind. I'm not really sure what it is, but my enjoyment of the holidays has really taken a downward spiral in the last few years. It's depressing, really. I used to love holidays. I still like my birthday, but that has the unfortunate connotation of holiday. Maybe when I go to college, I'll lie and tell all my friends my birthday is.... October 11th? Yeah, I like that day. No one will know the difference, right?
I wish I could feel spirity. I'm not even emo, I just don't feel like one should when Christmas rolls around. I know a trip to Crocker Park would cheer me a bit, though not the shopping aspect. More like the walking around in the glory and splendor of the lights. That would help.
You know, it will be really nice to get away to Spain for a while. Get away from school, family, and even friends. I feel like I've been in this same environment for far too long. It no longer stimulates me properly. It is all just the same stuff, day after day.
Stupid funks. I wish I weren't emo so often. Except I'm not even emo right now, I'm... apathetic. Kind of angry at the world really. I suppose that's a bit more of a punk-rawk attitude, eh? Now I'm jsut being mean to innocent people who don't deserve meanness. I am a horrible person.
Fuck.
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