Hope Dangles on a String

I'm kind of angry right now. There are people in my backyard, rolling around in their buldozers (and yeah, they're actually bulldozers- unlike those other things I can't htink of the name of) uprooting all of my favourite and lovely weeds. I konw, that's strange. I like the weeds. But they are always so green and lush, and in the late spring (or summer, the way the warmth is going) they get these pretty pink flowers on them that I like much. Mrs. Handley says there's no such thing as a weed, and I'd have to say I agree with her.

Ack. I am such a bio geek.

Well, anyway, I sit here muching on my trail mix and being angry at those who destroy natural beauty. I mean, I'm all for technological advancements- honestly, God knows what I'd do without my iPod.... but is it so bad to sit back and remember that everything has to come from somewhere? Everything starts out natural- no matter how synthetic we try to make it. Well, except spam. I don't know where they get that stuff, but it isn't earth.

I would have had a lot of homework tonight, but fortunately I have a theology teacher that likes me and allows me to do my online research in the middle of her class (in all fairness we were reading, and I finished the book last friday) so all I have left is a short little bio summary, which I might procrastinate with until tomorrow. I am loving this whole "classes winding down" thing. It's very very nice to be free of the opression of school. I only have to take three finals, so that's nice. Of course, I will probably fail those three, but we're not thinking that far ahead. Gotta keep living one day at a time.

Do you ever wonder what people say or think of you when you're not around? For the most part, it's probably a good thing you don't hear it- I mean, they say it when you're not around for a reason. But not everyone says bad things about people behind their backs- look at Katie and Kristen, who talk about kerriann all the time. They've never said a single bad thing. So it's not like I think everyone is plotting a conpiracy against me behind my back. I just sometimes would like to know exactly how others feel about me. For example, in Brit Lit today, I walked in and immediately Tina said, "hey, what about Stef?" and Lyla was like "oh, she's already on the list" and Christina said, "yeah I know I told you her right away". Sorry, but that experience will disorient you at first. Turns out they were making a list of people in our grade who haven't "experamented with drugs or alcohol" and they only got seventeen. So, whoo-hoo, I'm a minority. However, I can't say I really mind being in this minority. I think it's just evidence of you insecurity about yourself when you have to find yourself in the majority to feel safe. Yes Lyla, that's directed at you. But I love you anyway. Sort of. And not like that.

But I guess I just have to hold out hope that most people (note the word "most") like me and don't really think about me unless I'm in their immediate presence. And if for whatever reason I stumble across their mind at some other time, they just think "oh, yeah, whatever" and move on.

Except I know that's not true. I mean, I have close friends. And while I'm sure I'm not on their minds all the time, closer friends think of you more- I mean, obviously, if you spend a lot of time with someone, you'll know about them more and associate more things with them- because I know I think about my friends a lot, in good ways, of course. Oh, well, I just have to keep believing that I have real friends, and that people don't just pretend to like me (which happens to people, some I know of, which is sad, but it's okay, they're in denial about it) and that I have no reason to be emo.

Anyhoo. Today I had to do a skit with Spi where I pretended to be skitzo and she was the voice in my head. She basically convinced me to commit suicide (no, this is not a cry for help, it was just a dramatic portrayal of a psychological problem) by saying I could fly out a window. The fact that Spi can do creepy schitzo voices really well and that I can act like a crazed loon quite convincingly (gee, I wonder why) combined forces to make our skit terrifying to our classmates- and I'm not even joking, Gabi and Shannon were both like "that was freaky" and Mr. Phillips didn't even have to correct everything (which he usually does, he's a liberal like that) (not that I'm a lib or a conservative, I just like to ridicule mr. P) so now basically I expect everyone in that class to think me more of a freak than they already do, as I am usually scribbling in my journal at the time.

Well anyway. i had a song to put in here earlier, and I cannot, for the life of me, remember it. I hate that.

Well. I bid thee (even though no one reads this, except when katie occasionally stumbles upon it) all adeiu.