Welcome to the Psycho Matrix

Word Processing/keyboarding continues to plague me. But only for five more days.

Anyway, yes, as some of you might have noticed, the computer was kind co-operating this weekend. Not really well or anything, but kind of. I could at least speak to people via AIM, and the internet was working for maybe fifteen minutes, which allowed me to check like two blogs and get some shoutouts in.

So...my weekend. Spent time with Elizabeth, maybe some with Dever, I think I saw Ehrbar. It's all kind of fuzzy, I don't remember it so well. I do remember visiting Heather twice...oh yeah, we figured out that sister lives across the street from her. That was the day I hung with Elizabeth and Dever. Oh, and then we went to see King Arthor. Oh, and I went to Polefko's house with Elizabeth, and to the festival with Caitlin. Okay, the weekend is kind of coming into focus.

I'm not even joking, everything before and including Thursday is kind of fuzzy. I can't seem to keep myself straight. Oh, I definately recollect seeing the Matrix Reloaded and being v. v. proud of the fact that I chose to become obsessed with those movies as soon as HBO and such started playing them.

Yesterday I sold corn. That's really all I did all day. I woke up, sold corn at Gale's, and then got home and felt really sick. So I went to bed and skipped both soccer and softball. My stomach is still queesy, I shouldn't have eaten any breakfast, but I hadn't eaten since like three yesterday and was ravenous.

Do you think it's true that if you believe something completely and without doubt, that makes it true? Like if you truly believe that you could like, levitate something, or something equally cool and unprobable, could it happen? Okay, I suppose I sound random, but I have been watching far too many movies for my own good recently. But think about it. You can say you believe something, like in God, but if on the inside you don't really believe, then it's not true for you. And it's kind of a paradox that I'm saying this, because then hypothetically I could do anything. But if you are hindered by the mondane hypothesises we call reality, then logic will not allow you to grow to full capeability. Just like the whole levitation thing- sure, I can say I believe I could make Jo-Anne next to me start floating around (which would look pretty damn cool), but in my mind I say "you loser, you can't do anything like that, it defies the laws of physics." So therefore, my inner logic keeps me from doing such an amazingly cool event. But you know like when you're faking sick, sometimes you really get sick? Well, it's kind of the same thing. If I concentrated long enough maybe I could get joanne to float.

Or maybe I should stop getting sunsick and then watching X-men. Speaking of which, I just now spoke to summer, and she did not go to the game, either, which means that the team had no goalies. Great.

I am so glad I am going on vacation. I need to get out of my hellish life. Not that's it's actually hellish, mind you, but I'm starting to feel really bored with it. Not like I never do anything, but you know, I just go out and waste time then come home, lather rinse, repeat. It's not like I really feel as though I do anything productive. Sometimes, it's not even fun. New York will be fun, and while I doubt I will have any epiphanies of life or anything, it will be a splendiferous distraction from the boredum I know now. What I need to do is go on some sort of adventures. With car chases. And like, life threatening situations. That would rock. Hey, wait, I just thought of an old blog entry, lemme check something.

I knew it! Check out this:
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
Thunder.....Lightning. Gha!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I finally feel motivated enough to play softball and it thunderstorms. Typical. Everything is typical. My life is so gad-damned boring. Why don't terrorist kidnap me? Why don't my parents die and leave me to fend for myself in this harsh, cruel, world? Why don't I witness heinous crimes and have to run (or drive now, hehe) from the mafia? Why is my life never in danger? Gah! I shall tell you why! Because I live in the suburbs!

It seems true that my life seems to progress in random circles of nothing-ness. What am I supposed to do about this? Actually, the next post after that took mention that I had an exciting and non-boring day involving a near-car-accident and the viewing of Pirates of the Caribbean in theatres. How exciting.

Maybe that's all I can really do- just wait for tomorrow to come, hope that it will save me. Because I no longer believe that I can save myself. Nor that anybody else can, either.

Do you ever feel like you created some sort of monster? Like you wanted someone to be different, and somehow they became everything you wanted them to be, but that it is even worse than before. And the change is somehow permanent, and ultimately you triggered it, you wanted it even, and now that it's here, you suddenly realize that you don't like the person any more than you did before, and that you'll never like them no matter what, and it's not their fault, it's just how they are. But it's not really who they are, because somehow they changed, and at your own hand, too. Either way, you're trapped with this thing that you have changed into something different than before, yet still the same. I can't explain it, obviously. Words elude it. Words are so inadequate to express things, but they are all I have. The phrase "Words can't explain it" is an oxymoron of the human race. One that I have fallen into so deeply, there's no climbing out. All I can do is tunnel under it.

Wow. Deep, yet just as shallow as ever. I need that vacation like no other. Five days, and maybe I'll return to some semblence of my former self.

In the mean time...

Yo ho
Yo ho
a (still enigmatic, over movie-fied) pirate's life for
~me